Rethinking the Rules of Love and Relationships

Relationships are a complex and multifaceted aspect of human life, but societal expectations and outdated myths often dictate how we navigate them. From the idea that you need to have an initial “spark” to the notion that arguing is a deal-breaker, these misconceptions can lead to unrealistic expectations and unhealthy relationships. Experts in the field of psychology and therapy are now speaking out against these myths, offering a more nuanced and realistic understanding of what truly matters in love and relationships.

One of the most pervasive myths is the idea that you need to have an initial “spark” or “chemistry” with your partner. Psychotherapist Toby Ingham argues that this concept is overrated and can even be a sign of anxiety. “Chemistry” is often an immediate reaction, whereas many chemical reactions take time to develop. In contrast, experts advise focusing on connections that grow slowly and last longer, such as emotional safety, shared values, and mutual effort.

Another myth is that relationships should be easy and that arguing is a sign of incompatibility. However, research shows that couples who never argue are significantly unhappier than those who do. Psychotherapist Mandy Saligari suggests that arguing can be a healthy and intimate way to connect with your partner, and that it’s essential to listen to each other with an open mind and try to understand each other’s perspectives.

The idea that relationships should be easy and that conflicts are a sign of failure is also a common myth. Psychotherapist Andrew G Marshall argues that relationships are hard work, but that doesn’t mean they should feel like a prison sentence. He suggests that couples should aim for a middle ground, where relationships are challenging but also rewarding.

The notion that your partner should be your best friend and that you should spend all your time together is also a myth. Psychotherapist Naomi Magnus argues that healthy relationships thrive on a balance of togetherness and individuality, and that it’s essential to give each other space to grow and recharge. She suggests that pursuing your own interests and building bonds with friends, family, and colleagues can actually strengthen your relationship.

The idea that sleeping in separate beds means the relationship is doomed is another myth that’s being debunked. Psychotherapist Lohani Noor argues that separate beds can actually be a sign of care and consideration, and that couples can create intentional intimacy through shared activities and rituals.

Infidelity is often seen as an unforgivable sin, but experts argue that it’s not always a death sentence for a relationship. Noor suggests that relationships can recover from infidelity, but it requires deep introspective work, therapy, honest communication, and accountability from both parties.

Finally, the idea that you only have one soulmate and that losing them means you’re doomed is a myth that can lead to fear and anxiety in relationships. Marshall argues that this idea is based on a fear of loss and a fear of not finding the “perfect” person. He suggests that relationships are complex and multifaceted, and that there’s no one “right” person for everyone.

Ultimately, relationships are about growth, communication, and mutual respect, not about meeting societal expectations or adhering to outdated myths. By rethinking these rules and embracing a more nuanced understanding of love and relationships, we can create healthier and more fulfilling connections with others.